I think at the MTC we repeat a lot of the same things with the sentiment of "You can do it! Believe! Angels! Yay!" and we do a lot of role playing where we bear our testimonies over and over and over again, and of course we believe what we're testifying of but when it's the 5th time you've struggled through teaching the Restoration in Spanish in the last 10 minutes it's easy to glaze over and just want to get it done. Furthermore, I've seen the hand of God a lot here but usually I recognize it in a very in-my-head way like "Oh wow I had way more to do today than I could handle but somehow I got it all done and that was an answer to prayers" or "Wow finding this scripture was a tender mercy because it explains the doctrine I'm trying to teach so well and makes up for where my Spanish really lacks".
Anyways, the reason I'm saying all this is because this week sHoOk ThInGs uP for me in the feeling-things-in-your-heart department and it's funny because nothing crazy shocking or dramatic happened to start me on this little walkabout I'm having, so I don't know where to start. I was reading The Book of Mormon on Tuesday before dinner, Alma 34:27-28, and it kind of made me ponder about how much time I've spent trying to measure out how much more of one quality I need or how much of another part of me I need to cut down and how I can manage my time better and if self criticism can ever be constructive, and just if all the goals I'm setting are actually making me better.
So anyways. All those types of things were on my mind as I went to Devotional that evening and the speaker, Carl B Cook of the Presidency of the 70, invited all his 18 grandchildren to come on the stage. He said something along the lines of "All these missionaries you see have been preparing their whole lives to go on missions" and then asked all of us to stand and sing Called To Serve to his grandchildren. Usually I see these types of things as really cheesy and almost like, manipulative, but for some reason the whole thing just struck my heart in a very weird way and all the sudden I remembered who I want to be and I WEPT the whole way through singing it. I was trying so hard to articulate what the heck I was feeling in my journal that I didn't listen to a word of Devotional after that- except for when I looked up and Elder Cook was waving this giant white flag and saying "Surrender to God's Will! Surrender to God's Will!".
It's still very rough but this is kind of where I've ended up in the pondering of that experience: Everything Christ gives us is an opportunity to turn outward and feel concern for others but very often I turn it around and make it about me: how I'm feeling and all the weaknesses I struggle with. But Christ is able to perfect us only when we get over ourselves and do our best to use our gifts to glorify him and bring others to him, and also to help others to see and use the gifts they have to glorify God and serve others. Hermana Tolman just needs to pray more often and be more believing in the grace and loving character of God. I'm pretty sure that still only halfway makes sense but I'm working on it...
In other news, Influenza is rampant here at the MTC so they've put into effect a no-contact policy which means I don't need to be self conscious of my clammy hands for a while! woot woot. Also I got to be a HOST for all the new missionaries on Wednesday. What a wild ride. It was pouring rain and there were lots of little plot twists to keep it interesting. The first Sister I hosted was from Australia going to Italy and super bubbly and ready to go and then the second sister I hosted was from here going to Australia and she was bawling and hugged her family for probably 10 minutes. Anyways. A lot happened but I don't have the time to type any of it up. Except that after hosting, my companion and I couldn't find each other for a solid half hour and it was very unsettling and disorienting.
Other misc things:
-One of the Elders in my district laughed so hard at dinner that he shot chocolate milk out of his nose and my companion thought it was blood and screamed. it was a LOT of chocolate milk. We're all trying to be mature and composed missionaries but sometimes it doesn't go well.
-Hna Rollins and I got locked out of our room after we showered and had to use the red emergency phone in our building to call the front desk so they could come let us back in.
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| There's this sister missionary in a picture outside our zone room that everyone in my district thinks looks like me and every time we walk past it they say "oh look its Hermana Tolman" and so I spent all this time one morning straightening my hair so I could take a picture next to it but then I forgot and took a shower after exercise time so the picture isn't as good as it could've been but its ok and and you get the idea. |
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| MTC top floor looking down |
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| I found another second cousin! Dallin Hodgdon, called to NYC Portuguese speaking. |
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| I have a habit of almost walking out of the residence halls in my shower shoes and pants in the mornings.. good thing I have a trusty companion who catches me before I dishonor the nametag I wear |
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